The Struggle

First, let me tell you where I'm at in my life and journey right now. About 6 weeks ago I moved to West Virginia to live with some awesome family friends and start my new awesome job at a school. There have been parts about moving here that have been hard, such as just moving once again, trying to get settled, not having friends my age here, and the hardest part was leaving my AWESOME gym (My Training Gym) and AMAZING Trainer (Alex). Having a strong support team while you are losing weight is SO important! Without it you will struggle more. I mean, it always comes down to what YOU do and your own motivation, but having the right people helping you can make a huge difference. Since moving here, I was here for a week, then went to Oregon for 2 weeks to visit family and help with my friends' wedding, then I've been back in WV for about 2 1/2 weeks now. As you can imagine my eating and exercise have not been good.

Eating:
As you may know from past posts, I struggle ALOT with food! It is my comfort and I stress eat A LOT! This last trip to Oregon I ate a lot of fast food, ice cream, tons of candy, and pop. All horrible things that make my body feel sick and don't have the nutrition I need. Sadly, after coming back to WV, I continued to eat the same. I'm ashamed to admit this, but I also struggle with sneak eating, so I'm trying to stop that by VERY publicly admitting to what I am eating. Thankfully, last Friday I went to the grocery store (about 40 mins away) and went straight to the produce area. You should see how excited I get over the produce section of the store! It's kinda like how a hunter would get excited over guns (lol ... so Spencer). I filled my basket with a variety of good healthy fresh fruits and vegetables. I will admit that I have cheated a few times and eaten ice cream and chips, but I'm doing A LOT better! Little by little I'm getting myself back on track!

Exercise:
I mentioned above how it has been hard to no longer have my gym and trainer. Let me just say that my trainer, Alex, was so AWESOME! He pushed me further than I've ever gone before and made me feel so strong. At times I would hurt so bad and hate certain exercises, but I felt so proud of myself and what I am able to do! Since moving, I've done zero weigh training or strength training. This is bad because my back has started to hurt more and more as the strength in my stomach and back weaken. So, I've decided to try to buy some free weights and start doing some of the exercises Alex taught me so that I can continue strengthening myself and working the fat away.

The good news is that since coming back from my trip in Oregon, I have started doing cardio again! I have been doing interval running (alternating running and walking). I'm not doing it every day yet, but I've been doing it about 3-4 times a week. It hasn't been easy and there are times when I want to give up or when I have to fight with myself to even go running, but it feels so good when I do! I have more energy and have a great feeling of accomplishment. In two days (Saturday, June 30th), I will be running/walking my first 5k! I'm so excited!!! I will write more about it after Saturday.


Warning: This part of this post contains information about going through the weight loss process as a woman and the effects. If the discussion of bras and menstruation makes you uncomfortable, you might not want to read past this point. Just letting you know. :)

Recently, I had a friend message me and ask me about what bras I wear while running. Let's face it, I'm a big woman, especially in the chest area. She is the same and wanted to know how I'm able to run without feeling like my breasts are being ripped off my chest with every bounce. I answered her questions, but since she wasn't the first woman to ask me this question, I decided to share my answer with everyone. My secret is ... I wear 3 bras at once! Yep THREE bras! The first bra is a "everyday" bra not is not under wire. This bra lifts and separates my boobs so that they aren't all squished in the middle when I put on my sports bra.  The second bra is a full coverage sports bra. It's a bigger sports bra that covers my full breast and holds them closer to my body, but not tight enough. Which is why I have the 3rd bra. It is a normal sports bra and it pushes everything tight against my body so that when I run, there is no bounce from my chest. This might seem like a lot, but remember I'm like a 42FF. It's not easy to find bras in my size, let alone ones that fully support and keep everything in place.

Also, since losing weight, I have lost a lot of weight in my chest. It's been nice to see the progress and feel myself getting lighter. Thankfully, I had smaller bras already that I've been able to use. My bras are custom fit sizes so I don't know what regular size I am anymore. But hopefully, eventually I'll be able to just be a "D" again.

The other issue that I'd like to address is menstruation and how it effects my weight loss progress. Around my "time of the month" two things happen. One is that I become SO hungry! I can't seem to get enough food! I want lots of sweets and especially chocolate! One way of ensure that this doesn't throw me off track is to plan ahead. If I know I'm going to be more hungry, then I plan to carry more fruits and veggies with me so I always have a healthy choice to eat with me. For my chocolate cravings, I blend up a "healthy chocolate shake" (the recipe is below). The other thing that happens is that I will usually gain about 5 lbs of water weight and feel bloated. As usual, I try to drink about 3 liters of water a day. Also, when I step on the scale that week, I remind myself that it might be a little high because of my period. I always feel happier when I step on the scale the week after my period and I see the numbers drop down even more. To help with the feeling of being bloated and the pain of cramps, I exercise. I'm not kidding! Keeping your body moving helps so much!

I hope no one has been offended by my bluntness, but that's how I am. :)

If you have any questions about things I've posted about or anything you are wondering about, feel free to comment or send me a message and I feel try to answer it the best I can.

Healthy Chocolate Shake:
1 cup milk
1 pkg of Oatmeal
1 scoop Chocolate Whey Protein powder
1-2 cups of ice
1 Tbsp. Raw Almond Butter (or Peanut Butter)
Dash of cinnamon
1 frozen banana (optional)

Blend together in blender and enjoy!

Here's a few recent pictures of me:

To give you an idea of how far I've come, here's two pictures in the same shirt:

 April 2010 My "before" picture

May 2012 my "current after" picture

Starting weight: 365 lbs

Current weight: 312 lbs

Total weight lost: 53 lbs!!!

Only 13 more lbs before I'm below 300!!!!

One year can change everything

First off, I'd like to say that this post it not so much about my weight-loss journey, but more about my life/love journey. However, I have found that in order to do well on my journey, I need to also better understand my life. Also, what I write is my thoughts and feelings, please respect that.

Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of what I use to think would be a very special day. Actually, it was a very special day for me, however, the events that have happened in the past year have made the memory of that day cause me sadness, not happiness. I guess I should explain what I'm talking about. A year ago, on June 18th, 2011, I was sealed to my ex-husband for time and eternity in the Portland Oregon Temple. For those of you who are not Mormon, you may not understand what that means or why it has such a great impact on me. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we believe that a man and woman can be married and sealed to one another for not only this life on earth, but for all eternity (time and all eternity). This ordinance takes place within our temples. If a man and woman are civilly married (until death do you part), they can be sealed to one another later, which is what happened with my husband and I. Getting sealed was as important to me as my wedding was, maybe even more so. I remember how happy I was that day! I knew that once I was sealed to him, we would be together forever, no matter what happened in this life (such as death). However, that wasn't so.

Sadly, my husband decided that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. It broke my heart! It still pains me greatly to type those words. If you have ever truly loved someone 100%, completely let them in your heart without any conditions, and had them reject you, then you understand what I mean. I've known a lot of hurt and sorrow in my life, but never so great as losing the man that I had chosen to be with for eternity. Not only did I lose him, but he choose to leave me.

Now, for those of you who know me or have read my previous blogs, know that I now have a boyfriend (Spencer), who I love very dearly. You might wonder how I can say that I love Spencer when I still am hurt over the ending of my marriage. There have been times that I have wondered this myself, but through much pondering and prayer, I have come to understand it better. They are separate and different. I loved my husband, Sherman, very much and never wanted our marriage to end, however, it did end and that doesn't discredit my feelings for Spencer. I love Spencer so much and the hurt that I have from the ending of my marriage doesn't change that. Thankfully, Spencer is very patient and understands this fact.

I am now waiting for my boyfriend, Spencer, to come home from his mission (only 21 months to go!) The only contact we have with one another is through letters. No phone calls, no e-mails, no visits, just letters. Honestly, I love those letters so much and cherish each one. Many people doubt that him or I will feel the same about each other in two years when he comes home. I have often heard the words " a lot can change in two years." To those people I'd like to say, "I KNOW! Heck in 1 yr, my husband decided to leave me, I lost two jobs, lived in 3 states, and fell in love again. I don't need a reminder." Trust me, I have enough insecurity issues surrounding my relationship and if a guy (Spencer) would still want to be with me in two years. That being said, I only know that what Spencer and I feel for one another is very special and that time apart has only strengthen our relationship. The fact that we are both bettering ourselves and serving others while supporting one another has strengthened us. I love him and I know he love me.

You might be wondering why I'm bringing all this up and publicly writing about it. Well, first of all, I've found that by sharing my story (the good and the bad) has not only helped me to understand it better and heal from the past, but it has also helped others that I've talked to. As to why now, because it's been on my mind a lot over the past few months and with the anniversary coming up tomorrow, I've decided to face it head on, instead of trying to hide from it.

Recently I went on a trip back home to Oregon. During my visit A LOT of emotions towards Spencer, my marriage, my past and my future came up. It was a really good because I got to talk with friends and family. I realized how much I've changed and how far I've come. I am thankful for this time to heal and grow. I miss Spencer every day, but I know that we are both growing and learning.

Love is a powerful tool that can break us or lift us up, but the most important is when we love ourselves.

Thank you for reading about these feelings. I hope that I have been able to convey my thoughts and feelings in a way that everyone will understand.

A lot has changed in the past year, including myself, but it doesn't mean that everything will change. One thing that will not change is I will continue to choose to be happy and become a better me. :)