First off, I'd like to say that this post it not so much about my weight-loss journey, but more about my life/love journey. However, I have found that in order to do well on my journey, I need to also better understand my life. Also, what I write is my thoughts and feelings, please respect that.
Tomorrow is the one year anniversary of what I use to think would be a very special day. Actually, it was a very special day for me, however, the events that have happened in the past year have made the memory of that day cause me sadness, not happiness. I guess I should explain what I'm talking about. A year ago, on June 18th, 2011, I was sealed to my ex-husband for time and eternity in the Portland Oregon Temple. For those of you who are not Mormon, you may not understand what that means or why it has such a great impact on me. In the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, we believe that a man and woman can be married and sealed to one another for not only this life on earth, but for all eternity (time and all eternity). This ordinance takes place within our temples. If a man and woman are civilly married (until death do you part), they can be sealed to one another later, which is what happened with my husband and I. Getting sealed was as important to me as my wedding was, maybe even more so. I remember how happy I was that day! I knew that once I was sealed to him, we would be together forever, no matter what happened in this life (such as death). However, that wasn't so.
Sadly, my husband decided that he didn't want to be married to me anymore. It broke my heart! It still pains me greatly to type those words. If you have ever truly loved someone 100%, completely let them in your heart without any conditions, and had them reject you, then you understand what I mean. I've known a lot of hurt and sorrow in my life, but never so great as losing the man that I had chosen to be with for eternity. Not only did I lose him, but he choose to leave me.
Now, for those of you who know me or have read my previous blogs, know that I now have a boyfriend (Spencer), who I love very dearly. You might wonder how I can say that I love Spencer when I still am hurt over the ending of my marriage. There have been times that I have wondered this myself, but through much pondering and prayer, I have come to understand it better. They are separate and different. I loved my husband, Sherman, very much and never wanted our marriage to end, however, it did end and that doesn't discredit my feelings for Spencer. I love Spencer so much and the hurt that I have from the ending of my marriage doesn't change that. Thankfully, Spencer is very patient and understands this fact.
I am now waiting for my boyfriend, Spencer, to come home from his mission (only 21 months to go!) The only contact we have with one another is through letters. No phone calls, no e-mails, no visits, just letters. Honestly, I love those letters so much and cherish each one. Many people doubt that him or I will feel the same about each other in two years when he comes home. I have often heard the words " a lot can change in two years." To those people I'd like to say, "I KNOW! Heck in 1 yr, my husband decided to leave me, I lost two jobs, lived in 3 states, and fell in love again. I don't need a reminder." Trust me, I have enough insecurity issues surrounding my relationship and if a guy (Spencer) would still want to be with me in two years. That being said, I only know that what Spencer and I feel for one another is very special and that time apart has only strengthen our relationship. The fact that we are both bettering ourselves and serving others while supporting one another has strengthened us. I love him and I know he love me.
You might be wondering why I'm bringing all this up and publicly writing about it. Well, first of all, I've found that by sharing my story (the good and the bad) has not only helped me to understand it better and heal from the past, but it has also helped others that I've talked to. As to why now, because it's been on my mind a lot over the past few months and with the anniversary coming up tomorrow, I've decided to face it head on, instead of trying to hide from it.
Recently I went on a trip back home to Oregon. During my visit A LOT of emotions towards Spencer, my marriage, my past and my future came up. It was a really good because I got to talk with friends and family. I realized how much I've changed and how far I've come. I am thankful for this time to heal and grow. I miss Spencer every day, but I know that we are both growing and learning.
Love is a powerful tool that can break us or lift us up, but the most important is when we love ourselves.
Thank you for reading about these feelings. I hope that I have been able to convey my thoughts and feelings in a way that everyone will understand.
A lot has changed in the past year, including myself, but it doesn't mean that everything will change. One thing that will not change is I will continue to choose to be happy and become a better me. :)
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